Wonderfully Inadequate

Inadequate.

There are few words that cut deeper than this one.  It cuts through to my inner self, exposes my insecurities and laughs at my pride.

I have wrestled with this feeling a lot lately.  I have struggled with thoughts of condemnation, doubt, fear, anxiety and …. Inadequacy.  There have been days where I get to the end of the day and feel completely and woefully ill equipped and, well, inadequate to be on the trajectory of life that I am on.  It is NOT a good feeling.

The wonder of feeling woeful is that God shows up.

I was reminded very poignantly this weekend of a story I have heard a thousand times but I needed to hear again.

Jesus.  He’s a huge hit.  People come from all over to hear him speak but now there is a enormous crowd and they are hungry. So Jesus tells his disciple to go and see what they can do about that.  They come back with a meager 5 loaves and 2 small fish.  (Apparently, this group of people were NOT type A planners?! )

But this is what struck me and my inadequate-ness this time.

Jesus take WHAT THE DISCIPLES GAVE HIM.  (Mark 6:41)  

He blessed it.

And then HE GAVE IT BACK TO THEM.

THEY completed the miracle with the meager offering they gave. God used the little they offered and he totally got the credit for it.

So many of us are in the midst of HARD stuff.

Saying goodbye to fostered babies, seeing a husband belittled at work, midnight feedings, brain cancer, wayward children, moving continents… fill in your own stuff but it’s HARD.  

Can we (can I?)  trust that our meager offerings are going to become miracles?  Our obedience, our trust, our faithfulness, our encouragement, our commitments when “THIS ISN’T MAKING ME HAPPY” anymore.  

Suddenly that feeling of woeful inadequacy turns wonderful.

Because we realize are absolutely inadequate.

But He is absolutely able.

He is ready to take whatever we have, to bless it, and to give it back to us to use for his glory.

That alone is a wonder.

Our African Advent

I'm sure many of you may be participating in one way or another in this season of Advent.  Be it those chocolate type calendars, a daily reading, or just some fun activities all can lend themselves to be a contemplative and enjoyable way for us to enter into anticipating Christ's first coming this month.
As I began our own families advent activities this past week it occurred to me how our family has been living a season of "advent" for almost 2 years now.  Advent really just means "an arrival of a notable person, thing or event."  Since beginning the Advent for Africa in April of 2014 we have learned a few lessons on what it means to truly LIVE in anticipating of something greater.

1. Clutter.
Last Christmas (and this one too) when we've been asked "what do you want for Christmas?" our mind automatically goes to "well, is this portable, needed and can it be used in Zambia?"  If not it really doesn't make the list.  It is surprising how little we actually need.
Confession: I like to go shopping and I have more fun spending $10 at a thrift store than what is really normal.  However, in light of our African Advent I've got to tell you- I'm a bit ruined.  Shopping really has no pull for me when I consider the temporariness of my potential purchase. *sigh* Sorry, Target, but my affection for your clearance racks has left me empty-carted - and I am genuinely ok with that.  Oh that I would become so ok with less and less on life's journey.

2. Yearning.
I cannot explain to you what my heart does when I hear music from Africa, see pictures of people on mission trip to Africa, hear Africans talk.  My heart literally skips beats, my throat starts to close up and I am left with this feeling of desire.  Then I tell myself- "GOOD GRIEF! You've only been there- briefly- ONE time almost 6 years ago." THIS is why I know this calling is not from me.  This feeling of not being home while in the middle of completely normal American life is simply NOT normal.
And then I ask myself do I anticipate my heavenly home this much? Do I get choked up with such desire to "get home" or do I find myself thinking wow, so thankful to still be here? Oh! to be in such a state of Advent for heaven.

3. Uglinesss'
These past few months have been all sorts of ugly.
Parenting.is.hard.
Homeschooling.is.hard.
Marriage.is.hard.
Fundraising.is.hard.
There have been times during these months that I look around at the utter chaos in my midst and have felt entirely alone.  There have been times when I look at my overextended husband and realize we haven't kissed each other today.  There are MANY times when my dearly loved children are needing to be corrected for something that I realize- they've learned from my ugly example!
In his graciousness, God is allowing me to see a glimpse of my ugliness and his chisel is hard at work to change and transform.  I'm just so glad I am not responsible for changing me. I've tried and failed so.many.times.  So while considering this ugliness I see the grace in the anticipation. Anticipating that God WILL transform, anticipating that he is refining me to become that mom, wife, friend, neighbor that I so want to be but am utterly NOT without his strength.  And Anticipating what strength I will need to rely on in Zambia so how very gracious of Him to allow me to get a taste for it now.

I once had a pastor friend coin the phrase "Live with Leaving in view".   How can I more fully adopt that way of life today and tomorrow and beyond my chocolate calendar?
Even so come, Lord Jesus.

Schooltime!

So we are in full swing here coming up on the end of week 4 at the Howells Homeschool.

First off, I really want to say I'M SORRY to every teacher my kids have ever had because I simply have NOT appreciated them even a smidgen of what they deserve.  Holy Smokes- this teacher role is overwhelming, tough, tiring (as in I'm pretty sure I've napped or at least dreamed about napping every day so far) but it's also fun, full and rich.

We got organized!

Our station

First day of school sugar rush- er....breakfast.

Piano Lessons with Daddy

I am COMPLETELY overwhelmed with this task.  I have so many ideas of things I want to do, books I want to read out loud,  books I want THEM to read, projects, biographies, nature walks, piano lessons, piano practice, physical outlets (no option here!), brain breaks, speech help, flashcards, workbooks, lap books, map work, cursive... and the continuous "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.., MOM!" for double checking work, grammar, handwriting, help translating sonnets, figuring out diagrams or checking quizzes.  I bet YOU are even daydreaming about a nap now! =) 

I just have to quiet my mind and heart and know I cannot teach them everything TODAY or this WEEK or this YEAR! Not to mention I am confident that even after many years of this work I will still not ever be done. 

Over.whelming. 

However, my favorite part of our day is our first 30 minutes we call Proverbs and Prayer. (Hooray for alliteration!)  One homeschooling friend once told me "always start with God's word. That way if the rest of the day goes downhill at least you got done what is really important."  Good words.  So we draw or act or recite some proverbs, we pray, we have our own "morning watch" time before we launch into the Pilgrims, trapezoids or ecosystems.  

What a new world we have launched into.   

I hope we never recover. 

Messed Up!

I am being messed up in the best possible way. My eyes are being opened, my head being pulled out of the sandpit it’s been stuck in and my heart is enlarging.

Almost a year ago we were handed a book called Live. Just. Ly.  This group study book is all about looking at justice, God’s heart for justice, the lack of justice in our world, and what we can do about it.  Now, the idea of justice and advocacy isn’t new to me but actually acting towards those ideas certainly are.  I mean I vote for people that promote ideas that align with mine.  That’s good enough right?

So then I started to read and all these books started to collide in concept and started a transforming work in me from which I hope I never return.

First book: Live. Just.Ly by the Micah Challenge.  This book is over my head but I love that it is. Being aware of the Fathers heart for justice and being challenged to advocate towards that end is a journey that I’m thrilled and terrified about. I have no idea where it’s going but being stretched towards this end is so good.

Second book: Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges.  This was a summer study done with some friends and we all agreed that we loved/hated this book.  It looks at the junk that we tolerate in our lives- like criticism, judgementalism, pride, anger, ungratefulness, impatience- and calls us out on them.  It has driven me to my knees literally and I’m so thankful for the perspective shift. It’s helped me as I sift through these lessons as I begin to see God and people differently.

Third book: Confessions of a Transformed Heart by Nancy Sheppherd.  This biography of a missionary to Liberia was so honest that I found myself relating to her easily and was thankful for the growing she went through to challenge my own.

Fourth: Not a book but a study I have been able to attend this summer.  An urban church plant of our church hosted a summer study on Gender, Poverty and Race.  I have really been digging into the scriptures about each of these topics. Poverty was the latest session which led me to read three other books: Warrior Princess (a bio about an HIV positive advocate from Zambia), 28 Stories of AIDS in Africa (a truly shocking book about the attitude, mindset and lives of 28 different people- 28, by the way, representing the 28 million people infected with HIV), and Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker.  Just don’t. (Well, yes, do-read it)- but only if you want to be messed up too.  The sub-title of that book is called “How Jesus wrecked my comfortable Christianity”. Yes. That’s how I feel.

The question I have to myself is HOW is it that I have read the bible MY ENTIRE LIFE and yet somehow missed all of this chatter about justice and poverty? I am beginning to see I simply cannot read God’s word without seeing his heart being POURED out for the poor and ignored.  And how dare I say I love God if I am not about doing his work for those his heart bleeds for? My vote-on-election-days-but-I’ll keep-my-head-in-the-sand-and-read-over-words-like-justice-in-the-bible days are over. Done.

So here is a glimpse of how all these books have collided for me.

I read the Scriptures from my study about poverty-( and there are A LOT!) Obviously, God wants to get my eyes off of myself and look for these poor and ignored. Then I recall the chapter about selfishness and it’s subtleness in our lives (respectable sins) Oh God, please forgive that I have been missing seeing people the way you see them.  I’ve called his life “mine” when it simply isn’t. Forgive me. I also am reminded of a story from the missionary biography and when she was particularly struggling with the poverty around her.  Thank you, Lord for her insight.

In our summer study group we talked about the cycles of poverty, the forms of poverty and the reasons for poverty.

Are some people just lazy? Yes.

Are some people oppressed? Yes.

Are some people caught in this cycle of poverty going to completely take advantage of systems and other people (me)?  More than likely.

Am I called to care for the poor? Yes.

Am I the one allowed to choose WHICH poor I care for?

No.

Oh Lord, forgive me of my judgmentalism! 

Then I began reading these AIDS biographies! Reading their stories challenged my (dare I say it?) “they are just ignorant people” attitude (O God, forgive my arrogance, my pride and my judgemental attitude…respectable sins?) to suddenly their plight, their hopelessness, their lack of understanding becomes something I can care about.  And I haven’t cared. Ever. O God, forgive me, again, of my selfishness! (“Respectable sins”? I think not. )  This has not only given me a tiny glimpse of the horror of these countries, communities and families but it has moved it from being “their problem” to an advocacy issue for me.

 I have no idea what that means. 

However, I am grateful for growing and excited to see what God will do with my life as his pliable workman. Lord, keep me pliable!

Books that will mess you up too:

Respectable Sins- Jerry Bridges

Kisses from Katie- Katie Davis

Interrupted- Jennifer Hatmaker

Matthew 25 and Isaiah 58

Live.Just.Ly- Micah Challenge

28 Stories of AIDS in Africa

Confessions of a Transformed Heart- Nancy Sheppherd

Warrior Princess- Princess Zulu

The not-so nutshell version

My last post was about a busy fundraising weekend that we had and were so blessed by.  Little did we know that things were about to change within a few short weeks of those. Since then I've been able to share with some people a nutshell version of the story but I wanted to write down the bigger story because when you experience God's leading in such an obvious way, it needs to be shared.  We grow one another faith by bragging on God.

April 1 we were able to meet with some of our Poetice family and discuss our plans for "Zambia 2015".  As I prepared for our meeting I was a bit giddy about the idea of possibly nailing down dates to FLY!  Our meeting, however turned out to be initially quite disappointing.  We found out that we were needing to delay our timeframe- potentially up to a whole YEAR! Somehow, though, even amid the disappointment I had a deep sense of peace as our meeting ended.  We had another meeting planned for two weeks  and in the meantime we needed to pray, think, listen, hear, seek and discern what God was up to. 

My initial questions were concerning my kids. What about homeschooling? Jaedon and I had been plowing through this "trial year" as a preparation for our year in Zambia. I had told my other boys that I was going to be homeschooling everyone next year (much to their excitement!) So now what do I do? They are thriving in their school.  Jaedon and I have had a challenging (although good) learning curve in what it looks like to homeschool.  Was I really up for 4 right here in good ole West Michigan? Add to this the fact that over this time frame had been some super challenging days between me and Jaedon where I really was questioning this whole schooling at home gig. 

So I prayed. 

"God, I'm not sure what you're up to but we are seeking your wisdom.  Direct my thoughts and give me clear guidance concerning what to do with schooling my kids."

Then I went grocery shopping. 

Naturally. 

As I was perusing Aldi's produce section a lady stopped me and said "you seem like a wonderful mom...do you homeschool?"  

Uh... Alenia is currently being occupied by my phone so that she stops pestering her older brother who is really trying to hold it together here....

"Why,Yes! I do." 

She started telling me what a blessing homeschooling was for her family and  the privilege that was hers to school their 6 children at home for twenty years.  She told me how they would read out loud on their trampoline, take walks for science and while they didn't always do the academics perfectly, she said, all of her kids loved one another and loved the Lord.

God was at Aldi's that day and told me "Listen up. I sent her here for you." 

Take note- want to hear from God? Go to Aldi!

So I listened. I was encouraged and after almost 10 minutes of conversing, a hug and then she disappeared, I left Alds that day knowing that I needed to homeschool next year.  I haven't had any questions about it since.  Remind me of this in November. 

While my mind went to our kids and schooling, Brad's mind went to his job.  If we were able to go to Zambia in January should he just find a job that would suffice but be easier to leave then signing on another year of teaching? A whole year?!  

He, obviously, needed to go grocery shopping. 

No. But he, too, prayed for direction, clarity.  

We had an email all written to send to our ministry partners (probably you too!) explaining our delay of plans although we didn't know exactly what that all meant.  Oddly enough, making the connections to actually SEND the email never worked out so it never got sent.

What is God up to?

During these weeks of hashing out the logistics of waiting another year to go to Zambia we expressed our disappointment with waiting (namely because we're just so exciting to go!) but we also saw something else; 2 years of preparing for a 1 year ministry commitment- it didn't quite add up. As we prayed together and talked we both felt like 1. God was changing things up a bit.  We didn't know how or why. Brad asked me if I would be open to being in a different city if need be. (My response was "honey, I'm moving to AFRICA! The city is really not the issue. ;-)  

2. We felt that we needed to open the door regarding timing. (i.e. kicking our "year" commitment to the curb). 

Two weeks later we meet with our fabulous Poetice family once again.  We download all this processing with them and are met with "ok...this is amazing" comments from across the table. 

God certainly had been busy aligning our stories and preparing our hearts.  You see, while I was busy listening to my "Aldi Angel", God was nudging the hearts of Poetice to launch something grander and bigger than we had originally planned on: A new music academy. 

No more just going to plug in and teach for a year at an existing one but being on the ground floor of launching a new one. 

In a new city.

and it'll probably be longer than a year. 

Hearts prepped. 

Amid the meeting I felt the Spirit whisper to my core "THIS".  I have no other words to describe it other than we left that meeting with such deep seeded conviction about "this" work and our role. We are excited.

Giving Up

We are in the middle of Lent right now.  I didn't grow up observing or even knowing much about Lent but we (mildly) observe it here in our home.  We talk about the why and the what and honestly my kids are doing better with sticking to it than I am this year.  Although, my dear Owen came home from school sad the other day because he forgot about his Lenten sacrifice (giving up candy) and had eaten a piece at school. ;-)

My Lenten give up was giving up.  

No, not giving up going to Zambia but rather give up my agenda concerning Zambia.  And, actually, giving up my agenda in all aspects of my life.  

Control is such an illusion.  So God very graciously keeps showing me how I need to keep loosening my grip. On my kids, my thoughts, my days, my timeline... just give up, already!

I'm working on it. Or rather- God's working on me.

This past week we had a Howells family tour- so to speak. 4 different events for our fundraising efforts.  We first had the neat opportunity to share this journey with the Place To Be group at our church.  This is a college and career group and what an amazing group it was!  I think in the group of 20 about 5 of them were talking to us about their own mission trips they were currently pursuing! They were such an encouragement to us and we loved spending the evening with them. 

Next we had a pancake breakfast and silent auction held at our school gym.  What a humbling event to see all who came to eat, to make, to clean, to bid, to organize and to just generally show their love and support.  I didn't know half of them!  (but the sausages were excellent! ;-) 

We had another neat opportunity to meet at a local church and give a quick summary of this ministry opportunity.  Again, meeting and talking with new people is such an enlarging-my-heart opportunity. It makes this journey seem real. (which believe there are times it seems like a dream!)

Our last
adventure was hosted by a BSF friend of Brads.  They actually dug holes in their yard to make a 6 hole round of golf! They invited their friends, neighbors, co workers and fellow bible study friends to come, hear our presentation, participate in a polar plunge (!), eat some hot dogs over their bonfire, toss a football and play some golf.  What a very fun, delightfully muddy and creative event! 

Looking at all this I am once again just overwhelmed by what gracious, generous people God has placed in our lives.  Pridefully I think "why would they want to do all this for me?!" but then God reminds me- it's not for ME, or US- it's for HIM.  All about Him. 

There are times I think "how can I EVER repay this kindness to them?!" But thankfully, God's riches and his rewards are SOOOO much better than any thing I'll ever find on Pinterest! 

We are BEYOND grateful for each one of you who has donated, wiped up syrup, watched our kids while we had an speaking engagement, dug in your yard, organized, made decorations and covered these events with your prayers.  I am humbled by you all and so thankful that God will be able to express his gratitude better than I ever could. 

Journey On!

Tension

I am a doer.
I like lists. A lot.
I like checking things off my lists just as much.
I even have been known to write things down on a list that I already accomplished simply for the pleasure of crossing it off my list.

It's a sickness really.

This doing mentality has brought a wee bit of tension into our 'all things Africa' journey. Namely, I'm tense and Brad is awesome.
To be frank, there is no small amount of work that NEEDS TO BE DONE to move- regardless of where you move- moving is work!  The fact that we are planning to move to Africa makes it a bit of extra work.  There are passports and visas, background checks and cultural training, fundraising and... well, fundraising. Do do do!
So a conversation that happened in our family room the other week was something about me "suggesting" (i.e. nagging) about what was on the  (STUPID) list. I could feel my blood pressure rising because Awesome Brad is also Cool as a Cucumber Brad. (Neither of which alliterate much to my disappointment). Anyway, he looks over at me in his Cucumberesque way as says "you need to be trusting more!".

Wind. Sails. Done.

There is this great tension though. What does it look like to be faithful in our doing but full of Faith?How can we be focused in our mission but to not get life out of focus?
A list is EASY.
Faith is tough.
My lists are just that- mine. They are written by me, accomplished by me, and checked off by me so that at the end of the day I can see all that I have done.
This kind of faith is completely empty of me.  I want it to be so.  I desperately want it like that so that at the end of my lifes journey I can look back and see all that HE has done.

Plan well.
Trust more.
May it be so.

IPAD

Some of you have asked about my IPAD that was stolen this fall.
We were notified via our Apple devices connection that someone was attempting to use it in November. (Brad had put a "lock" on it once we realized it was taken) The alert showed us a general area where it might possibly be at but other than going to the neighborhood and knocking on doors (distinct possibility I guess) we had no way of truly narrowing our search.
Soooo...still gone. =( Bummer.  

Measure of success

There are things God allows in our life that is simply for FUN, for pleasure and for our enjoyment. And then there are the things God allows in our life to refine us. 

Kids are both for me.

I might be raising them but we are ALL growing up. 

And homeschooling? Wow. 

Just wow. 

I feel like I have a "I'm new here" sign on my head when I talk with homeschooling moms.  I'm barely scraping by here.  Granted, our decision to homeschool happened 5 weeks before the beginning of the school year. I had other time commitments already in place to happen through-out the year and homeschooling just got added. 

Jaedon, for his part, is rocking it.  He is fairly independent in his studies (frankly when I intervene too much it doesn't go as well as I hoped) and tells others he likes being homeschooled (noted that I am generally within earshot of this conversation so maybe he's just being polite?)

Looking back over the past 6 months we have done some pretty neat stuff... 

we've measured out Noahs ark (almost our entire street's length!),  done biography, plays, field trips, a few crafts (not my strength),  and made national foods.  Sounds pretty good eh?  

But I don't think any of these things mean it's been a success.  

 They all are neat experiences but the times I deem most successful thus far are the ones that come from the non-picture taking moments.   The times it's ugly and tough.  When I'm trying to keep my cool or trying not to be sarcastic (shocking right?)  or when I'm staring in the face of mediocrity and very ok with it thank you very much.  Tough.  Not fun.  But slowly, in my growing up, God is showing me how to instruct this heart.  Our readings may talk about India or Egypt but we are also learning about stewardship and work ethic.  And OH! are we well versed in apologies around here!  My glimpse of success was the other day when I overheard this one apologize to his brother without any promptings from me. The other snapshot I saw was him doing some odd chores just because "it needed to be done".  That may not sound like very much but for him  (and me) it's HUGE.  I am certainly not suggesting that one needs to homeschool in order to teach our children character- but for us it's been a great change agent that is completely timely in this ones life.  We are so thankful.

Tabernacle and Advent

 We diverted from our traditional Advent readings this year and decided to "walk through the Tabernacle" together instead.  We have been studying Moses, Exodus and the Tabernacle in our bible study time this entire fall so we wanted to see what to see how it might translate into a Christmas focus.  We were really awed by what we discovered.

There is only one entrance into the Tabernacle.
John 14:6  "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No man comes to the Father except through me." Jesus is the only way to God.

The purpose of the tabernacle was for God to dwell among his people.
John 1:14- The word became flesh and DWELT among us."
Emmanuel- God with us.  This is Christmas.

The alter of incense not only illustrated Jesus' role as intercessor but we noted one of the wiseman's gifts as well.

The table of bread in the tabernacle- we read that Jesus calls himself the Bread of Life in John 6:35.  We also loved the connection to Jesus being born in Bethlehem (of "House of Bread")

The lamp stand- John 8:12 Jesus calls himself the Light of the World.  We also noted the angles and the star were lights that pointed to Jesus too.

The ark of the covenant held the stone tablets- or God's words.
The manger held the Word of God- Jesus. John 1:14- "the Word became flesh and 'tabernacled' among us."

We also had the opportunity to be in Lancaster, PA over Christmas break and there is a life-sized Tabernacle there to tour through.   

A sweet Advent this year.