Courtroom Update

Have you ever read a good book only to be disappointed with the ending?

We have had today's date in the back of our minds for 3 months and honestly I'm not sure what we were expecting to have it be like.  However, after juggling carpooling duty, after school kid-watching, childcare for the other 2 and Brads out of work beeline downtown to the courthouse we waited for an hour for the trial to begin.  After all parties had come into the courtroom there was some tearful solemness happening at the desk where Little Lady's mom, dad and their respective lawyers were seated.  The judge made a comment about a "difficult but loving" decision and then asked any in the room who were not family members to leave.

I have since learned that the parents have formally, voluntarily given up their parental rights of Little Lady.

And I have just witnessed Christmas.

God willingly sending his son to be raised by imperfect people in a fallen and broken world.  The joy Joseph and Mary undoubtedly experienced by having this one child in their home came at the great cost of his Dad giving his up.

I am struck as I write this.
Joseph and Mary were foster parents!
Oh the similarities are striking:
The "inconvenience" of God's ask.
The lifelong effects for them as a couple as  they raised this one.
Having to explain to him who his "real" Dad was.
They even had parent visitation times!

This view God is sharing with me just confirms once again how he understands us.  He not only gets what it's like to work with foster families, he was the Dad who signed off his rights and he understands what Little Lady will go through in her life too.  A mix of emotions.

Joyful.
Heartbroken.
Encouraged.
Saddened.
Hopeful.
at Peace.

So what's next?
Little Lady will be placed in an adoptive placement (which will be our home) until all interested persons who want to adopt her have completed paperwork (within a court ordered time frame).  Then all those persons will be reviewed and approved or not.
So we wait.
Again.

I have a sign hanging in her room that best describes this journey:

and so onward we go.  One day at a time.
Thanks for your prayers. I pray that you will experience Christmas afresh this week as well.

Fence Sitter

Fence builder, sitter, fixer and dweller is more like it.  Along with my comfy hobbit abode I've built me a nice, fat fence on which I like to sit and admire the world of either side.  

The problem is the fence was getting uncomfortable.  There is not a whole lot of living I can do from there.

A book I have been reading is called Anything. 

It's not a new, blow-your-mind concept: live a fully surrendered life to God...be willing to give him anything!  

Nothing those of us who have gone to church at all haven't heard before right?  

The problem, however, is that hearing about full surrender and living in full surrender are two entirely different things.  Singing " I surrender all" while admiring the view from my fence dwelling is lying.  I've realized lately that I've been lounging out on this getting -bumpier fence singing my heart out...only the words were "I surrender half.  I surrender half.  Half to Thee my blessed Saviour! I surrender half."  Not only is that absurd but I was pretty proud of my half that I actually have surrendered.  

I would find myself saying "Yes, Lord.  We want to be a light for you in our neighborhood."  Until kids started showing up at my door at the most in "inconvenient" times( which was really anytime I hadn't planned on their coming!) 

Half.

"Yes, Lord, we are willing to open our hearts and homes..."

Once.

If its easy.

As long as you don't take her away.

Half.

Some people will say "oh, but if I give God everything he'll send me to Africa!".  I'm weird but I actually would be thrilled with that...for a time.  And am I just as thrilled, willing and available to serve here...where I live now? 

Half.

"Yes, Lord, we will give to your kingdoms work! (As long as I can keep buying my fancy coffee and not really have to alter any other parts of my comfy world just to make that happen!)

See, my willingness and availability to God always seemed to have a condition, a limit or an exception. 

I don't remember that part of the song: " I surrender ALL (as long as, until it or except this)... 

My struggling has been to recognize all this half-hearted "surrendered" life for what is truly is: not surrendered at all!  As long as I can control it, organize it or plan it then YES! I'll be happy to "surrender " it. 

Ludicrous right? 

So this book called me out.  ( and just a disclaimer here...I say"this book" but it's only her take and experience with God and His word and that is the true motivator here)

Or rather I could say...this book called me to examine how we'll my fence dwelling was working out for me. 

It wasn't.  (Although to be honest I' m not sure my one foot is entirely untangled yet.)

Lately I've taken some time to think about my wants, desires, dreams etc... Are they fence-sitting types of dreams or are they eternal?  And the bigger question...am I really willing to give them...all of them...up?

For example: I want a new house.

There. 

I said it.

Actually, this house of ours of 10 years, is quite cozy and fits our family of six in it sufficiently. I can honestly say I am content with it.  

But I would like something different.  I want bigger closets and a garage.  

( feel free to laugh at my expense) 

I want to grow old with my husband.

I want to see my boys grow into godly men.

I want Little Lady to be ours!

I want to see our neighbors come to know The Lord.

I want to figure out how to wear those really cute scarves! 

These are some of my wants...ones I really did not want to let go of. (well, the scarf was pretty easy) :). 

But in the limited time I have switched perspective here, began praying (and meaning)  "Lord, Anything!"  that I am experiencing the reality of freedom wrapped up in slavery.  Considering myself a slave to Christ is actually the freest I've ever felt. That does not make any kind of sense!  But here's the  deal:  none of what I have is mine anyway...my house, my kids, my words, my scarves, my time, my money...so why not abandon control (which is really just an illusion anyway),my anxiety, my hovering and that fat ole fence and jump into the field of freedom? 

Easy? 

Nope.

Worth it? 

I'm betting this life on it.

I am a Hobbit

This past week I was listening to a radio ministry.  They had a lady on there speaking and even though I was only half listening, half coloring the bits and pieces I heard made me want to do two things. 1.  Turn the radio up and 2 . Turn the radio off!
She had written a book about her journey ( seems like lots of people do) but from the bits I was hearing her journey sounded a lot like mine.  Not the locations and details about life's generalities but the journey of heart issues.  I began to listen a bit closer..really resonating with what she was describing.
I caught the name of her book but honestly I didn't want to hear it.
But I also found myself tuning into the radio broadcast on the second day to hear a bit more.
I NEVER do this....but I bought her book via kindle edition within the next day and started to devour it.  I kept wanting to read some "really good" parts out loud to Brad but I wasn't able to find any small enough.  I told him he'll just have to read it himself. :)
I am now midway through this book and it equally amazes and terrifies me.  Amazing because her hearts questions and struggles are like reading my own journaling pages.  Terrifying because after reading this I will be accountable to make some sort of response...rather like hearing a great message from your pastor, reading Gods word.  Responding is not optional.  ( and pretending not to hear it is still a response!)
So I'm still thinking maybe I should have turned off the radio on that first day.;)
But no, I feel God is stirring.
Exciting but terrifying.
And to be quite honest I don't want to go there.
See, I am a hobbit.
Okay, no, I don't actually have huge, hairy feet ( although the huge part could be disputed) and, this analogy is not original with me.  But, if you know Tolkiens creatures at all, Hobbits are content with the familiar.  They desire the comfort of the life they have built for themselves and that their families have built for generations past.  They don't bother themselves with the outside world because it would greatly disrupt their way of life.  And good hobbits never go on any adventures or do anything unpredictable.  They crave comfort, security, habit and safety.

I am a hobbit.

But the Hobbits have a friend, Gandalf.  I don't know why they bother with him but he's an old friend.  He comes and presents a specific Hobbit, Bilbo, with a proposition. It includes adventure, danger, leaving his home, village and people, traveling with mixed and questionable company with no guarantee of safety or even of return.
I WANT to want that too.

This book is Gandalf.  It threatens my hobbitdom.

So I decided to write this post mainly because I needed to do something with the thoughts that woke me up before 7 on a saturday (grrr...) but also because I want to keep track of this stirring God is doing in me and my big, hairy feet. ;)

Court Date Update

Wow- I've had so many people asking and praying about today. Thank you! And thank you for allowing me to answer impersonally via blogging to let you all know at once what happened at the hearing today.

When we first got to the courtroom I met with a caseworker who told me that Mom "turned herself in" (to the agency) last night at 10pm.  This rather threw the attorneys for a loop as she ended up coming to the hearing that, I assume, they thought she would not be present for.  Is it weird for me to say I missed her? I'm glad I could see her and give her a hug.

Little Lady's caseworker did a great, thorough job of laying out the facts about Little Lady's care and Mom/Dad's recent choices (those being NOT in Little Lady's best interest).  I will err on the side of caution and not divulge any details about those choices (other than the fact that Mom was AWOL for the past 2 months).

This judge did not hesitate in the least to approve the recommendation of terminating parent rights.  He very clearly stated to Mom that the justice system had laid out very clearly for her what was expected of her and she was very clearly told the consequences for not complying.  My assessment was rather like a parent saying "I warned you so now I'm following through with those consequences." (so to speak)

I can't quite imagine what Mom (and Dad who was listening in via conference call) thought when they heard that.

This is just a next step.  Termination is NOT finalized yet so nothing is set in stone.  Just taking a step towards it.  Little Lady's caseworker now will file a petition for termination, a hearing time will be set within the next 90 days.  All relatives will be contacted and reviewed to see if they are a likely placement for Little Lady although the court does weigh our attachment and experience (along with her age) in their decision.  They are aware that we are willing to adopt (although "willing" sounds very flighty but I guess you can't say "we really really really really want her!" ;-)

My thoughts about today are mixed.
For one I kept thinking about the proverb (8:15) that says "By me (God), kings reign and rulers issues decrees that are just."  I was just praying for the judge lately.  He's in his position because God allowed him to be.  His ruling certainly seemed "fair and just" for which I am thankful and he genuinely seems to seeking the best case scenario for Little Lady ALONE which is thrilling!

Secondly, I saddened for Mom.  I cannot imagine what she is feeling right now and after having built a somewhat tenuous relationship with her my heart is heavy.  I don't even have words to explain how or why. Just is.

Thirdly, I'm cautiously optimistic about the probability of having an actual daughter. (Even though that thought still terrifies me!)  I am also just very aware that this whole situation is certainly NOT about me, my family or even adding to our family.  It's about God.  He loves Little Lady.  He loves her Mom. He loves that judge. And his purpose for each of those and us will prevail.  What a wonderful reassurance in an unknown future.

Thanks for praying, asking and caring!

Richman

We learned sad news this past week.  A great man with incredible vision, diligence, faith and love for God and his people died in a car accident.  We met Richman in Zambia as he is the founder and leader of the music academy Brad has worked at twice.  A very great loss of partner in ministry.  It's hard to understand the whys sometimes.
Pray for his wife, Regina and 4 kids.
Poetice.com

Relevant truth

Have you discovered God's Word to be what is says it is? Living? Active? Piercing? Good for correction? Transforming?  I was reminded yesterday that God's word is good for Information- (but it can't stay there) ,  for Inspiration- (but it can't stay there either) but ultimately God's word is for Transformation.  
We really experienced this during our summer memory work.  

I don't know what YOUR household atmosphere is like all the time.  Peaceful, angelic, joyful, cheerful, where all kids get along and parents never yell.  
Ok- that probably doesn't ever exist all the time!  

So right out of the gate- school is over in early June, we're together (including hubby...remember he's a teacher!) 24/7. Sounds delightful doesn't it?  It is/was/can be!  But we notice there is a time of transition that has to happen- we need to remember HOW to live well with each other all day every day again.  And being quite honest, we didn't start out great.  Arguing, bossing, yelling and bad attitudes.  

And THEN there were the kids!!  ;-)  

Enter our Summer memory work: Romans 12.

⁹ Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 

 We noted that we as a  family were doing the OPPOSITE of what these verses tell us to do!  We were clinging to what is evil ("HE started it!", "I want that!", "I HAVE to tell you to do this because I am the almighty parent..." etc...) you get the big, ugly picture.  

And I'm not pretending we still don't.

But these were some TERRIFIC verses to hide in our hearts right off the bat this summer.  We've been able to keep referring to them - hopefully forever- but certainly for today. 

Relevant. 

¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor,serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³ Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

Within 2 weeks in July we had heard of 4 people who we knew that had died.  One was a grandma of a friend, a husband of a friend, my Grandma and a bible study friend and peer of mine.  These verses were the exact ones we were learning during this time of mourning and grieving with those who are mourning and grieving. 

Relevant. 

¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.^[c] Do not be conceited.

¹⁷ Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹ Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”^[d] says the Lord. ²⁰ On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
    if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”^[e]

²¹ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

If you have kids, know kids or have ever SEEN kids you'll know how relevant these verses can be.  Not in a beating-you-over-the-head style of truth but how refreshing for them (and us!) to know...oh look! People have been dealing with this stuff since forever. 
God's word is relevant to me, to my kids, to my situation, to my relationships, to my struggles, to my bad attitudes and to my life. 
Today. 

Last but not Least

 Well, I would be remiss if I didn't write another quick update on our status with the Little Lady.  We found out that our caseworker is writing a recommendation to the court recommending termination of parental rights.  (Mom has been AWOL since July 22 in case you missed that bit of info.)   We were asked to write a letter ourselves to the judge letting him know of her bonding with our family and our desire to adopt her should the court find that appropriate for her.  The court hearing to determine termination (or not!) is the end of this month.  I will keep you posted on the outcome.  Until then... we are in FULL toddler fun and "fun" around here! (complete with tantrums and giggles).

First day of school

Seth asked if he could have this breakfast EVERY day of first grade.   

Jaedon, pleased as punch with his new "awesomeist" first-day-of-fourth-grade shirt.

Mom H. sent me this pic of Brad's first day of First Grade- also Sept. 4. ;-)

Summer Recap

 This summer was a lovely blend of busyness and boredom (although I think the boredom factor was more my issue than my kiddos who have built in play mates). As I look back on the events and day we had I can honestly say WHAT IN THE WORLD WERE WE THINKING????
But what a fun summer it was too! Jaedon and Seth had their first tiny taste of an away-for-night camping time, Owen had his first VBS time, we hosted our first Backyard Bible Club and all of these were a first to experience with Little Lady.

Beautiful lake Michigan

One of all of our favorite memories of the summer was the camping week we had at the end of August. We affectionately are referring to it as "cabbage week" because it was our cottage time in a cabin...cottage/cabin=cabbage. =)

We were able to spend that time with Brads side of the family too which was really sweet time together.  We are blessed that we like each other enough to WANT to vacation together!

Cute Cousins

 Another favorite (for the boys at least) was our day trip to Michigan Adventures (a local amusement park).  This was sweet because, as seen in a previous post, we had been working all summer towards Summer Scripture Challenge and a trip to Michigans Adventure was the end reward.  Well, we made it! (and no cheating either!)  We have been counting out points for things like personal quiet time, bedtime prayers, reciting our memory verses each week, service projects (like serving in nursery or helping a neighbor) and we got to our goal.  The kids LOVED the park day...now to just have them KEEP doing their quiet time right? =)

Yes, Little Lady is NOT pictured here because really... amusement parks aren't all that amusing  to an 18month old...or her Mama! THANK YOU, Grandma!!!!!!!

 I think with Facebook it is really almost impossible to keep up on this blogging thing. But I know my mom checks out this more often than my Facebook page so.... Merry Christmas, Mom! I'll keep blogging every now and then for you. ;-)

The day before Jaedon's 9th bday in early August I had a striking thought: 9 is 1/2 way to 18! YIKES!

Jaedon's 9th bday cake.  The pink candles were a nice touch I think. 

We took a buddy- Elijah- with us to the Kroc Center for some swim time.