Zambia part 2

This is the continuing story of our Zambian adventure.  You may need to refresh your memory of the first part of our story with my previous post.  And yes, "coming soon" is 3 months later. =O

This past spring after Brad contacted Poetice, they connected with him through phone calls, emails and a Starbucks meeting.  They asked us to just pray. Talk it over, and then pray some more.  And boy did we ever.  We asked many of you to pray with us about this decision.  Do we move forward? Is God calling us to this? And if yes, why? And if why then HOW?  So. many. questions.  But as we talked and prayed two interesting things happened. 

First, I asked God to just be VERY clear. I didn't exactly ask for a neon sign or a text message but that would have been ok.  One of the first days I prayed this, I took some kids to a park near us.  Being the talker that I tend to be I started up a conversation with the lady who was pushing her grandson in the swing next to Alenia.  Throughout the course of our conversation we ended up talking about adoption. Her daughter had just adopted 2 boys from Zimbabwe. "You know, that's southern Africa. Have you heard of it?" Well, yes, in fact I have visited Zambia before and my husband and I are praying if we should return.  She thought for a moment and then said "Yes! You should.  You and your family should just go."  Now, I'm not saying God dresses in housecoats and crocheted hats but that dear Grandmas' bold statement certainly gave my heart a start. 

The other interesting thing that began to happen in the conversations Brad and I were having about Zambia is that our sentences started to begin with "when we..." instead of "if we...".  It was such a natural shift that we almost missed it.  Our hearts were melting and the (very long) list of "ifs" and "hows" somehow seemed completely doable ONLY because God would be the one doing it.  

So, we said "yes".  And the rest is becoming HIS-story. 

I am a part of a bringing-tears-to-my-eyes- lovely group of woman from my bible study.  We were meeting through the summer for a study, fellowship and prayer in the midst of this decision making. What a tremendous support and challenge they were to me personally as I voiced my thoughts and concerns with them.  Then, they decided to do a garage sale fundraiser for our family!  

There were over 30 families that donated things for this sale! It totally blew me away.  We were able to raise $2500 which ... yeah. Just no words. Still speechless about that one.  

We have been mailing and labeling and sending our support letters (hopefully, to you!), working at getting these blogs and emails lists updated, Brad started the visa process (which we have likened unto the details of the fostering paperwork! Good grief!) the kids have their freshly made passports and we are in the process of contacting churches to ask if they'd like to join in God's work in Zambia too. *Whew*

This all reminds me of my bible study just this week.  Moses pleads with the Lord, "Do not take your presence from us! We do not want to move on from here without you!"  THAT is exactly what we are praying. Lord, unless your presence, your sovereign control over us is utterly with us we do NOT want to move (to Zambia) or anywhere else for that matter.  This is our plea. So while no housecoat wearing Grandmas bearing neon signs have showed up at my front door lately we are moving forward. One step. One day. One application. One detail at a time with absolute assurance in our Emmanuel. 

Our Zambia story part 1

Sorry if some of this information is old news to you but I have been asked by several to share our not-so-nutshell version of Zambia.
In 2009 our church participated in an instrument recycling drive designed to collect old, unused instruments and donate them to an Academy of Music in Zambia, Africa.  Being a band teacher Brad thought it was a great idea and helped them with what he could.  A friend of ours who went on the trip to deliver  these collected instruments suggested to Brad that he look into going to the Academy to teach there.

Seed planted.

That month was our churches missions weekend. They listed all of the upcoming mission trips and oh look! There was one scheduled to go to Zambia.

Hmmm.

In the same service the children were lead through the sanctuary each carrying a nations flag.  Quick, grab the camera because anytime my child is doing something I'm SURE it's got to be picture worthy! ;-)  Jaedon was carrying the Zambian flag.

Hmm. (and click)

Brad was feeling a tug about investigating this more deeply.  We came up with two "issues" in our conversation.  First being, the trip would have to be over Spring Break or Summer.  He cannot justify taking time off during the school year when there is already a time planned for breaks.  And two, what would we do with our kids if we were to both go?!  They were ages 18 months, 3 and 5 at the time.  I called my mom that afternoon just to chat.  The idea of Zambia came up and she automatically said "oh we would come take care of the kids!"

Hmm.

We also found out that the trip to Zambia was scheduled for early April.
During Spring break.

Hmm.

So after enough "hmm"s we opted to pursue the trip going in April of 2010.
The trip ended up being just Brad and I instead of a team of people and it certainly was a learning experience for us both.  Brad earned the title "Mister Energy" during our few days at the Academy.  There were about 30-50 students that he was able to meet and teach over our days there.  We left saying "we need to bring our kids here sometime."

July 2011 Brad was able to go back to the music Academy with a team of musicians this time.
Further heart tugging.

Brad decided to let Poetice, the ministry partnering with the Academy, know that we might potentially and possibly be willing to think about exploring the eventual option of maybe pursuing a shorter long-termish visit to teach at the Academy. 

How committal of us. 

However, Poetice was not in a place where that was a possibility and the idea got moved to the back burner.  

For two years.

In that time we became licensed foster parents to a beautiful little baby girl named Alenia.

Her adoption was finalized in December 2013. 

A few months later (this past Spring) Brad decided to check in with Poetice again and just let them know that our maybe sort of willingness-ish was becoming more and more resolute if there was ever a need and desire for him to come on board.

He was met with a resounding "YES!" 

Part 2 coming soon...

Where do I start?

I obviously do not rock at the blog maintenance part of life.  Somehow it seems like my family needs food and clean clothes a bit more often than I have time to talk about it. =)  Anyway, I'll try to give the best nutshell version of our boring life around here.

You may have heard something about a small undertaking we are pursuing lately.  That being a year of living and working at the Choma Music Academy in Zambia, Africa and partnering with the ministry named Poetice.

Boring right? =)

With that on the hopeful horizon we also have made the decision to homeschool Jaedon this year.  Oh the poor first born guinea pigs kids!   My thought process went something like this:
"Hmm... homeschooling in Zambia next year. 4 kids. Ok. Never did that before. Never lived in Zambia before. Huh. Maybe I should give this homeschooling thing a try in my own country first?!"

So we talked, and prayed then talked some more. A lot more.
I had a very sweet homeschooling friend of mine who gave me very wise words.
Stop talking and start listening.
Parenting is a gift. Homeschooling is calling.  And one thing we keep coming back to as we explore this whole Zambia thing is we do NOT want to be doing ANYTHING that is not led by God.  Been there. Done that. Will probably do it again but we are (slowly) learning to listen to the Lord in each decision...big and small.
So, I stopped asking everyone their opinions and starting asking God his.
Smart eh?
and I found the answer.
Peace.
That's the only way to describe it.
I should have felt completely frazzled.  Here it was 5 weeks until school starts and I'm making THIS decision now? What curriculum should I use? How does this even work? Is this legal? =)
But no... I felt peace.  Unexplainable unless you know the Prince of Peace right?

As for my social bug Jaedon? (who also is a HUGE one-on-one time, quality time kid) LOVES the IDEA of it.  I know right? It'll sink in soon enough.

So we've launched this week.  Not perfectly but well.  I believe the honeymoon phase lasted approximately 17 minutes but that's ok.   We will both be on a huge learning curve with lots of successes and mistakes along the way.
After all, failing sometimes is the greatest teacher. Lucky me!

 (We are studying the Books of Moses and Egypt was our focus this week.  This is Egyptian "candy"...dates, honey and almond meal or as Jaedon liked to say "gross" until he ate it. ;)

It's a girl!

Yesterday was Adoption Day.
After fostering a sweet little girl for 2 years, we were gifted the privilege of adopting her.  It was an all around very sweet day.

And I didn't cry.
Not once.
It was sweet, and touching and emotional. Words were said and gifts were given and all I did was smile on.

Through-out this time of having Alenia in our home I have ranged from feelings of elation to feelings of resentment. From joy to indifference. I've struggled with HOW and WHY I would or could possibly feel these things for such a truly precious, intelligent no-more-of-a-challenge-than-my-own-kids child.
The idea of giving her back has been very real and present since we got her. In fact, for the first 9 months of our having her I was 99% certain she WOULD be returning home.

And I was ok with that.
Odd.

Then events changed, rights were terminated and people started talking. Everywhere I looked I found places to hope- the adoption worker, the attorney, friends encouraging words. My heart wanted to rest in the idea that maybe just maybe she WOULD become ours!
But hope is a funny thing.  When misplaced it can be a source of extreme disappointment.
One truth I keep coming back to is displaced hope is depleting while hope anchored in the Lord is a continued source of renewed strength. (Is. 41 talks about this better than I)

Yes, I wanted to HOPE that my adoption worker was accurate.
Yes, I wanted to HOPE that the attorney's experience with "cases like this" would lead to a familiar end.
Yes, I wanted to HOPE in the words I hear about "maybe" being said to me.
But at the end of the day when I placed my hope- and my heart- in human hands, my spirit was anxious. My strength depleted.

I kept praying Ps. 130:5. "I wait for the LORD (not paperwork or a phone call), my SOUL waits and in HIS WORD do I HOPE."
So while I struggled with placing my hope rightly I also struggled a bit with engaging my heart.
I admit it.
I was a hold out.
I had felt that displaced hope disappointment before and I was going to do my best to make sure THAT didn't happen again.
Notice a duplicity much? Sheesh!

I was thrilled to see my husband and my 3 boys engage their little hearts with hers.  Brad was a goner the first moment he met Alenia and my boys warmed up to her as they would any sibling. That made me happy.
But I was the hold out.

Until God nudged me one day.  He asked me why I trusted my husbands heart, my boys hearts to His care but not my own.

Ouch.

"Oh. that's not it. I'm just being realistic here, God. "Hope for the best, plan for the worse" philosophy right?! It's just being safe."

No. It's not safe to not trust.
And no measure of self protection will ever guarantee a soft landing. Give me your heart and give it to her.

It was a choice. Not waiting for the feelings to kick in... or for the paperwork to be signed.
A simple choice.

Loving someone does not necessarily mean my heartbeat quickens each time I see them, that I go faint by touching them or that my feelings are even following my actions.
Love is action.
A friend encouraged me to "act lovingly". So I did. So I do. And guess what I discovered?
My heart is following.


So now what? Now that the paperwork IS signed. Now where is my heart?  Why am I not a heap of tissues and tears?!

I don't know.

But I do know that each morning I hear "Mommy. Awake now." proclaimed and I go and help the fashion diva pick out her outfit o' the day.
I know that she can run to "go potty now" by herself because her and I spent hours reading books together about said potty experiences.
I know that she likes to sit at the kitchen island to eat a cheese stick and egg for breakfast and that will inevitably mean egg residue on the chairs.
I know that if I ask to hold her hand in a store she says "Mama, you don't hold my hand. We're not on a road, silly!"
I know that she will NEVER admit to wanting to take a nap but will ALWAYS hide under her blankets when I come to tuck her in.
I know now how to bead hair.
I know that she loves to dance (like only she can!), eat tacos, go out "on a date to get french fries with mine Daddy", she wrestles the boys and can sing "Jesus Loves me", "Joy to da World" and "EiEiO".

I know that I love her.
And I'm trusting God each day with my heart to be renewed with love for her.

Pass the tissues.

It's about time!

Ok to my few and faithful blog checker uppers (Dad,) my humblest apologies! When I get a few moments of downtime I must confess, blog writing does not make the top 10.

Nutshell version of us: nothing has changed.  We still live here in West Michigan, still attend the same church, school etc... And still are fostering a lovely 2.5!!! Year old Little Lady, busy, like you, with camps, soccer, friend play and summer fun.

Little bit bigger version: in January we were anticipating having a lot of changes by now.
1. Brad applied to a job within the same school but a completely different job.  No go.
2.  We were considering being a part of an exciting new campus church that our church is launching later this fall.  God told us to stay put.
3. We were hoping to use our open summer months to be painting, moving  and getting settled into a new house.  We are still waiting to close and are hoping to move mid August instead. Don't even get me started on how much "fun" house showings aren't. :0
4. We were not thinking adoption would be finalized but at least hoping for some progress...which we have.    We have heard that all relatives interested in pursuing adoption of Little Lady have been denied by our agency.  We are assuming this means that we are the only family considered for adoption at this point.  The state right now has all the paperwork at this point and, bless their little hearts, they get to READ it all and place their seal of approval (we hope!) on it.  This, obviously, is a slow process.  Add to that the fact that I was just informed yesterday that we now have a different adoption worker  (social work is NOT for wimps!)  So, there really is no new news to share at this point.  We still get up everyday and hear "Momma, awake now", I'm still trying to figure out good hair product!, we are painting a room in our new house PINK and we still have three getting older too fast boys that are protective of the princess.

I keep coming back to the words Faithfulness and Sovereignty.
It's been neat for me to grow in the conviction and belief I have that God really,truly and for real is the supreme ruler of life's direction.
Proverbs says man ( and woman)  plans his course but God determines his steps.
I have discovered that as I relinquish my desire to control ( which is an illusion anyway!) the peace I have amid unknown or unsettling times is astounding.

And meanwhile, God entrusts me with many things, people, resources and responsiblites  that he expects me to manage well...to be faithful in and through.  Perhaps not involving a new and exciting adventure but to remain faithful and pursue diligence.

So for today we are trusting God is directing the steps he asks us to take...
One day at a time.

And perhaps I'll be a bit more faithful in my blogging updates. ;)

Courtroom Update

Have you ever read a good book only to be disappointed with the ending?

We have had today's date in the back of our minds for 3 months and honestly I'm not sure what we were expecting to have it be like.  However, after juggling carpooling duty, after school kid-watching, childcare for the other 2 and Brads out of work beeline downtown to the courthouse we waited for an hour for the trial to begin.  After all parties had come into the courtroom there was some tearful solemness happening at the desk where Little Lady's mom, dad and their respective lawyers were seated.  The judge made a comment about a "difficult but loving" decision and then asked any in the room who were not family members to leave.

I have since learned that the parents have formally, voluntarily given up their parental rights of Little Lady.

And I have just witnessed Christmas.

God willingly sending his son to be raised by imperfect people in a fallen and broken world.  The joy Joseph and Mary undoubtedly experienced by having this one child in their home came at the great cost of his Dad giving his up.

I am struck as I write this.
Joseph and Mary were foster parents!
Oh the similarities are striking:
The "inconvenience" of God's ask.
The lifelong effects for them as a couple as  they raised this one.
Having to explain to him who his "real" Dad was.
They even had parent visitation times!

This view God is sharing with me just confirms once again how he understands us.  He not only gets what it's like to work with foster families, he was the Dad who signed off his rights and he understands what Little Lady will go through in her life too.  A mix of emotions.

Joyful.
Heartbroken.
Encouraged.
Saddened.
Hopeful.
at Peace.

So what's next?
Little Lady will be placed in an adoptive placement (which will be our home) until all interested persons who want to adopt her have completed paperwork (within a court ordered time frame).  Then all those persons will be reviewed and approved or not.
So we wait.
Again.

I have a sign hanging in her room that best describes this journey:

and so onward we go.  One day at a time.
Thanks for your prayers. I pray that you will experience Christmas afresh this week as well.

Fence Sitter

Fence builder, sitter, fixer and dweller is more like it.  Along with my comfy hobbit abode I've built me a nice, fat fence on which I like to sit and admire the world of either side.  

The problem is the fence was getting uncomfortable.  There is not a whole lot of living I can do from there.

A book I have been reading is called Anything. 

It's not a new, blow-your-mind concept: live a fully surrendered life to God...be willing to give him anything!  

Nothing those of us who have gone to church at all haven't heard before right?  

The problem, however, is that hearing about full surrender and living in full surrender are two entirely different things.  Singing " I surrender all" while admiring the view from my fence dwelling is lying.  I've realized lately that I've been lounging out on this getting -bumpier fence singing my heart out...only the words were "I surrender half.  I surrender half.  Half to Thee my blessed Saviour! I surrender half."  Not only is that absurd but I was pretty proud of my half that I actually have surrendered.  

I would find myself saying "Yes, Lord.  We want to be a light for you in our neighborhood."  Until kids started showing up at my door at the most in "inconvenient" times( which was really anytime I hadn't planned on their coming!) 

Half.

"Yes, Lord, we are willing to open our hearts and homes..."

Once.

If its easy.

As long as you don't take her away.

Half.

Some people will say "oh, but if I give God everything he'll send me to Africa!".  I'm weird but I actually would be thrilled with that...for a time.  And am I just as thrilled, willing and available to serve here...where I live now? 

Half.

"Yes, Lord, we will give to your kingdoms work! (As long as I can keep buying my fancy coffee and not really have to alter any other parts of my comfy world just to make that happen!)

See, my willingness and availability to God always seemed to have a condition, a limit or an exception. 

I don't remember that part of the song: " I surrender ALL (as long as, until it or except this)... 

My struggling has been to recognize all this half-hearted "surrendered" life for what is truly is: not surrendered at all!  As long as I can control it, organize it or plan it then YES! I'll be happy to "surrender " it. 

Ludicrous right? 

So this book called me out.  ( and just a disclaimer here...I say"this book" but it's only her take and experience with God and His word and that is the true motivator here)

Or rather I could say...this book called me to examine how we'll my fence dwelling was working out for me. 

It wasn't.  (Although to be honest I' m not sure my one foot is entirely untangled yet.)

Lately I've taken some time to think about my wants, desires, dreams etc... Are they fence-sitting types of dreams or are they eternal?  And the bigger question...am I really willing to give them...all of them...up?

For example: I want a new house.

There. 

I said it.

Actually, this house of ours of 10 years, is quite cozy and fits our family of six in it sufficiently. I can honestly say I am content with it.  

But I would like something different.  I want bigger closets and a garage.  

( feel free to laugh at my expense) 

I want to grow old with my husband.

I want to see my boys grow into godly men.

I want Little Lady to be ours!

I want to see our neighbors come to know The Lord.

I want to figure out how to wear those really cute scarves! 

These are some of my wants...ones I really did not want to let go of. (well, the scarf was pretty easy) :). 

But in the limited time I have switched perspective here, began praying (and meaning)  "Lord, Anything!"  that I am experiencing the reality of freedom wrapped up in slavery.  Considering myself a slave to Christ is actually the freest I've ever felt. That does not make any kind of sense!  But here's the  deal:  none of what I have is mine anyway...my house, my kids, my words, my scarves, my time, my money...so why not abandon control (which is really just an illusion anyway),my anxiety, my hovering and that fat ole fence and jump into the field of freedom? 

Easy? 

Nope.

Worth it? 

I'm betting this life on it.

I am a Hobbit

This past week I was listening to a radio ministry.  They had a lady on there speaking and even though I was only half listening, half coloring the bits and pieces I heard made me want to do two things. 1.  Turn the radio up and 2 . Turn the radio off!
She had written a book about her journey ( seems like lots of people do) but from the bits I was hearing her journey sounded a lot like mine.  Not the locations and details about life's generalities but the journey of heart issues.  I began to listen a bit closer..really resonating with what she was describing.
I caught the name of her book but honestly I didn't want to hear it.
But I also found myself tuning into the radio broadcast on the second day to hear a bit more.
I NEVER do this....but I bought her book via kindle edition within the next day and started to devour it.  I kept wanting to read some "really good" parts out loud to Brad but I wasn't able to find any small enough.  I told him he'll just have to read it himself. :)
I am now midway through this book and it equally amazes and terrifies me.  Amazing because her hearts questions and struggles are like reading my own journaling pages.  Terrifying because after reading this I will be accountable to make some sort of response...rather like hearing a great message from your pastor, reading Gods word.  Responding is not optional.  ( and pretending not to hear it is still a response!)
So I'm still thinking maybe I should have turned off the radio on that first day.;)
But no, I feel God is stirring.
Exciting but terrifying.
And to be quite honest I don't want to go there.
See, I am a hobbit.
Okay, no, I don't actually have huge, hairy feet ( although the huge part could be disputed) and, this analogy is not original with me.  But, if you know Tolkiens creatures at all, Hobbits are content with the familiar.  They desire the comfort of the life they have built for themselves and that their families have built for generations past.  They don't bother themselves with the outside world because it would greatly disrupt their way of life.  And good hobbits never go on any adventures or do anything unpredictable.  They crave comfort, security, habit and safety.

I am a hobbit.

But the Hobbits have a friend, Gandalf.  I don't know why they bother with him but he's an old friend.  He comes and presents a specific Hobbit, Bilbo, with a proposition. It includes adventure, danger, leaving his home, village and people, traveling with mixed and questionable company with no guarantee of safety or even of return.
I WANT to want that too.

This book is Gandalf.  It threatens my hobbitdom.

So I decided to write this post mainly because I needed to do something with the thoughts that woke me up before 7 on a saturday (grrr...) but also because I want to keep track of this stirring God is doing in me and my big, hairy feet. ;)

Court Date Update

Wow- I've had so many people asking and praying about today. Thank you! And thank you for allowing me to answer impersonally via blogging to let you all know at once what happened at the hearing today.

When we first got to the courtroom I met with a caseworker who told me that Mom "turned herself in" (to the agency) last night at 10pm.  This rather threw the attorneys for a loop as she ended up coming to the hearing that, I assume, they thought she would not be present for.  Is it weird for me to say I missed her? I'm glad I could see her and give her a hug.

Little Lady's caseworker did a great, thorough job of laying out the facts about Little Lady's care and Mom/Dad's recent choices (those being NOT in Little Lady's best interest).  I will err on the side of caution and not divulge any details about those choices (other than the fact that Mom was AWOL for the past 2 months).

This judge did not hesitate in the least to approve the recommendation of terminating parent rights.  He very clearly stated to Mom that the justice system had laid out very clearly for her what was expected of her and she was very clearly told the consequences for not complying.  My assessment was rather like a parent saying "I warned you so now I'm following through with those consequences." (so to speak)

I can't quite imagine what Mom (and Dad who was listening in via conference call) thought when they heard that.

This is just a next step.  Termination is NOT finalized yet so nothing is set in stone.  Just taking a step towards it.  Little Lady's caseworker now will file a petition for termination, a hearing time will be set within the next 90 days.  All relatives will be contacted and reviewed to see if they are a likely placement for Little Lady although the court does weigh our attachment and experience (along with her age) in their decision.  They are aware that we are willing to adopt (although "willing" sounds very flighty but I guess you can't say "we really really really really want her!" ;-)

My thoughts about today are mixed.
For one I kept thinking about the proverb (8:15) that says "By me (God), kings reign and rulers issues decrees that are just."  I was just praying for the judge lately.  He's in his position because God allowed him to be.  His ruling certainly seemed "fair and just" for which I am thankful and he genuinely seems to seeking the best case scenario for Little Lady ALONE which is thrilling!

Secondly, I saddened for Mom.  I cannot imagine what she is feeling right now and after having built a somewhat tenuous relationship with her my heart is heavy.  I don't even have words to explain how or why. Just is.

Thirdly, I'm cautiously optimistic about the probability of having an actual daughter. (Even though that thought still terrifies me!)  I am also just very aware that this whole situation is certainly NOT about me, my family or even adding to our family.  It's about God.  He loves Little Lady.  He loves her Mom. He loves that judge. And his purpose for each of those and us will prevail.  What a wonderful reassurance in an unknown future.

Thanks for praying, asking and caring!

Richman

We learned sad news this past week.  A great man with incredible vision, diligence, faith and love for God and his people died in a car accident.  We met Richman in Zambia as he is the founder and leader of the music academy Brad has worked at twice.  A very great loss of partner in ministry.  It's hard to understand the whys sometimes.
Pray for his wife, Regina and 4 kids.
Poetice.com