Yesterday was Adoption Day.
After fostering a sweet little girl for 2 years, we were gifted the privilege of adopting her. It was an all around very sweet day.
And I didn't cry.
Not once.
It was sweet, and touching and emotional. Words were said and gifts were given and all I did was smile on.
Through-out this time of having Alenia in our home I have ranged from feelings of elation to feelings of resentment. From joy to indifference. I've struggled with HOW and WHY I would or could possibly feel these things for such a truly precious, intelligent no-more-of-a-challenge-than-my-own-kids child.
The idea of giving her back has been very real and present since we got her. In fact, for the first 9 months of our having her I was 99% certain she WOULD be returning home.
And I was ok with that.
Odd.
Then events changed, rights were terminated and people started talking. Everywhere I looked I found places to hope- the adoption worker, the attorney, friends encouraging words. My heart wanted to rest in the idea that maybe just maybe she WOULD become ours!
But hope is a funny thing. When misplaced it can be a source of extreme disappointment.
One truth I keep coming back to is displaced hope is depleting while hope anchored in the Lord is a continued source of renewed strength. (Is. 41 talks about this better than I)
Yes, I wanted to HOPE that my adoption worker was accurate.
Yes, I wanted to HOPE that the attorney's experience with "cases like this" would lead to a familiar end.
Yes, I wanted to HOPE in the words I hear about "maybe" being said to me.
But at the end of the day when I placed my hope- and my heart- in human hands, my spirit was anxious. My strength depleted.
I kept praying Ps. 130:5. "I wait for the LORD (not paperwork or a phone call), my SOUL waits and in HIS WORD do I HOPE."
So while I struggled with placing my hope rightly I also struggled a bit with engaging my heart.
I admit it.
I was a hold out.
I had felt that displaced hope disappointment before and I was going to do my best to make sure THAT didn't happen again.
Notice a duplicity much? Sheesh!
I was thrilled to see my husband and my 3 boys engage their little hearts with hers. Brad was a goner the first moment he met Alenia and my boys warmed up to her as they would any sibling. That made me happy.
But I was the hold out.
Until God nudged me one day. He asked me why I trusted my husbands heart, my boys hearts to His care but not my own.
Ouch.
"Oh. that's not it. I'm just being realistic here, God. "Hope for the best, plan for the worse" philosophy right?! It's just being safe."
No. It's not safe to not trust.
And no measure of self protection will ever guarantee a soft landing. Give me your heart and give it to her.
It was a choice. Not waiting for the feelings to kick in... or for the paperwork to be signed.
A simple choice.
Loving someone does not necessarily mean my heartbeat quickens each time I see them, that I go faint by touching them or that my feelings are even following my actions.
Love is action.
A friend encouraged me to "act lovingly". So I did. So I do. And guess what I discovered?My heart is following.
So now what? Now that the paperwork IS signed. Now where is my heart? Why am I not a heap of tissues and tears?!
I don't know.
But I do know that each morning I hear "Mommy. Awake now." proclaimed and I go and help the fashion diva pick out her outfit o' the day.
I know that she can run to "go potty now" by herself because her and I spent hours reading books together about said potty experiences.
I know that she likes to sit at the kitchen island to eat a cheese stick and egg for breakfast and that will inevitably mean egg residue on the chairs.
I know that if I ask to hold her hand in a store she says "Mama, you don't hold my hand. We're not on a road, silly!"
I know that she will NEVER admit to wanting to take a nap but will ALWAYS hide under her blankets when I come to tuck her in.
I know now how to bead hair.
I know that she loves to dance (like only she can!), eat tacos, go out "on a date to get french fries with mine Daddy", she wrestles the boys and can sing "Jesus Loves me", "Joy to da World" and "EiEiO".
I know that I love her.
And I'm trusting God each day with my heart to be renewed with love for her.
Pass the tissues.
