Fence Sitter

Fence builder, sitter, fixer and dweller is more like it.  Along with my comfy hobbit abode I've built me a nice, fat fence on which I like to sit and admire the world of either side.  

The problem is the fence was getting uncomfortable.  There is not a whole lot of living I can do from there.

A book I have been reading is called Anything. 

It's not a new, blow-your-mind concept: live a fully surrendered life to God...be willing to give him anything!  

Nothing those of us who have gone to church at all haven't heard before right?  

The problem, however, is that hearing about full surrender and living in full surrender are two entirely different things.  Singing " I surrender all" while admiring the view from my fence dwelling is lying.  I've realized lately that I've been lounging out on this getting -bumpier fence singing my heart out...only the words were "I surrender half.  I surrender half.  Half to Thee my blessed Saviour! I surrender half."  Not only is that absurd but I was pretty proud of my half that I actually have surrendered.  

I would find myself saying "Yes, Lord.  We want to be a light for you in our neighborhood."  Until kids started showing up at my door at the most in "inconvenient" times( which was really anytime I hadn't planned on their coming!) 

Half.

"Yes, Lord, we are willing to open our hearts and homes..."

Once.

If its easy.

As long as you don't take her away.

Half.

Some people will say "oh, but if I give God everything he'll send me to Africa!".  I'm weird but I actually would be thrilled with that...for a time.  And am I just as thrilled, willing and available to serve here...where I live now? 

Half.

"Yes, Lord, we will give to your kingdoms work! (As long as I can keep buying my fancy coffee and not really have to alter any other parts of my comfy world just to make that happen!)

See, my willingness and availability to God always seemed to have a condition, a limit or an exception. 

I don't remember that part of the song: " I surrender ALL (as long as, until it or except this)... 

My struggling has been to recognize all this half-hearted "surrendered" life for what is truly is: not surrendered at all!  As long as I can control it, organize it or plan it then YES! I'll be happy to "surrender " it. 

Ludicrous right? 

So this book called me out.  ( and just a disclaimer here...I say"this book" but it's only her take and experience with God and His word and that is the true motivator here)

Or rather I could say...this book called me to examine how we'll my fence dwelling was working out for me. 

It wasn't.  (Although to be honest I' m not sure my one foot is entirely untangled yet.)

Lately I've taken some time to think about my wants, desires, dreams etc... Are they fence-sitting types of dreams or are they eternal?  And the bigger question...am I really willing to give them...all of them...up?

For example: I want a new house.

There. 

I said it.

Actually, this house of ours of 10 years, is quite cozy and fits our family of six in it sufficiently. I can honestly say I am content with it.  

But I would like something different.  I want bigger closets and a garage.  

( feel free to laugh at my expense) 

I want to grow old with my husband.

I want to see my boys grow into godly men.

I want Little Lady to be ours!

I want to see our neighbors come to know The Lord.

I want to figure out how to wear those really cute scarves! 

These are some of my wants...ones I really did not want to let go of. (well, the scarf was pretty easy) :). 

But in the limited time I have switched perspective here, began praying (and meaning)  "Lord, Anything!"  that I am experiencing the reality of freedom wrapped up in slavery.  Considering myself a slave to Christ is actually the freest I've ever felt. That does not make any kind of sense!  But here's the  deal:  none of what I have is mine anyway...my house, my kids, my words, my scarves, my time, my money...so why not abandon control (which is really just an illusion anyway),my anxiety, my hovering and that fat ole fence and jump into the field of freedom? 

Easy? 

Nope.

Worth it? 

I'm betting this life on it.

I am a Hobbit

This past week I was listening to a radio ministry.  They had a lady on there speaking and even though I was only half listening, half coloring the bits and pieces I heard made me want to do two things. 1.  Turn the radio up and 2 . Turn the radio off!
She had written a book about her journey ( seems like lots of people do) but from the bits I was hearing her journey sounded a lot like mine.  Not the locations and details about life's generalities but the journey of heart issues.  I began to listen a bit closer..really resonating with what she was describing.
I caught the name of her book but honestly I didn't want to hear it.
But I also found myself tuning into the radio broadcast on the second day to hear a bit more.
I NEVER do this....but I bought her book via kindle edition within the next day and started to devour it.  I kept wanting to read some "really good" parts out loud to Brad but I wasn't able to find any small enough.  I told him he'll just have to read it himself. :)
I am now midway through this book and it equally amazes and terrifies me.  Amazing because her hearts questions and struggles are like reading my own journaling pages.  Terrifying because after reading this I will be accountable to make some sort of response...rather like hearing a great message from your pastor, reading Gods word.  Responding is not optional.  ( and pretending not to hear it is still a response!)
So I'm still thinking maybe I should have turned off the radio on that first day.;)
But no, I feel God is stirring.
Exciting but terrifying.
And to be quite honest I don't want to go there.
See, I am a hobbit.
Okay, no, I don't actually have huge, hairy feet ( although the huge part could be disputed) and, this analogy is not original with me.  But, if you know Tolkiens creatures at all, Hobbits are content with the familiar.  They desire the comfort of the life they have built for themselves and that their families have built for generations past.  They don't bother themselves with the outside world because it would greatly disrupt their way of life.  And good hobbits never go on any adventures or do anything unpredictable.  They crave comfort, security, habit and safety.

I am a hobbit.

But the Hobbits have a friend, Gandalf.  I don't know why they bother with him but he's an old friend.  He comes and presents a specific Hobbit, Bilbo, with a proposition. It includes adventure, danger, leaving his home, village and people, traveling with mixed and questionable company with no guarantee of safety or even of return.
I WANT to want that too.

This book is Gandalf.  It threatens my hobbitdom.

So I decided to write this post mainly because I needed to do something with the thoughts that woke me up before 7 on a saturday (grrr...) but also because I want to keep track of this stirring God is doing in me and my big, hairy feet. ;)