Fence Sitter

Fence builder, sitter, fixer and dweller is more like it.  Along with my comfy hobbit abode I've built me a nice, fat fence on which I like to sit and admire the world of either side.  

The problem is the fence was getting uncomfortable.  There is not a whole lot of living I can do from there.

A book I have been reading is called Anything. 

It's not a new, blow-your-mind concept: live a fully surrendered life to God...be willing to give him anything!  

Nothing those of us who have gone to church at all haven't heard before right?  

The problem, however, is that hearing about full surrender and living in full surrender are two entirely different things.  Singing " I surrender all" while admiring the view from my fence dwelling is lying.  I've realized lately that I've been lounging out on this getting -bumpier fence singing my heart out...only the words were "I surrender half.  I surrender half.  Half to Thee my blessed Saviour! I surrender half."  Not only is that absurd but I was pretty proud of my half that I actually have surrendered.  

I would find myself saying "Yes, Lord.  We want to be a light for you in our neighborhood."  Until kids started showing up at my door at the most in "inconvenient" times( which was really anytime I hadn't planned on their coming!) 

Half.

"Yes, Lord, we are willing to open our hearts and homes..."

Once.

If its easy.

As long as you don't take her away.

Half.

Some people will say "oh, but if I give God everything he'll send me to Africa!".  I'm weird but I actually would be thrilled with that...for a time.  And am I just as thrilled, willing and available to serve here...where I live now? 

Half.

"Yes, Lord, we will give to your kingdoms work! (As long as I can keep buying my fancy coffee and not really have to alter any other parts of my comfy world just to make that happen!)

See, my willingness and availability to God always seemed to have a condition, a limit or an exception. 

I don't remember that part of the song: " I surrender ALL (as long as, until it or except this)... 

My struggling has been to recognize all this half-hearted "surrendered" life for what is truly is: not surrendered at all!  As long as I can control it, organize it or plan it then YES! I'll be happy to "surrender " it. 

Ludicrous right? 

So this book called me out.  ( and just a disclaimer here...I say"this book" but it's only her take and experience with God and His word and that is the true motivator here)

Or rather I could say...this book called me to examine how we'll my fence dwelling was working out for me. 

It wasn't.  (Although to be honest I' m not sure my one foot is entirely untangled yet.)

Lately I've taken some time to think about my wants, desires, dreams etc... Are they fence-sitting types of dreams or are they eternal?  And the bigger question...am I really willing to give them...all of them...up?

For example: I want a new house.

There. 

I said it.

Actually, this house of ours of 10 years, is quite cozy and fits our family of six in it sufficiently. I can honestly say I am content with it.  

But I would like something different.  I want bigger closets and a garage.  

( feel free to laugh at my expense) 

I want to grow old with my husband.

I want to see my boys grow into godly men.

I want Little Lady to be ours!

I want to see our neighbors come to know The Lord.

I want to figure out how to wear those really cute scarves! 

These are some of my wants...ones I really did not want to let go of. (well, the scarf was pretty easy) :). 

But in the limited time I have switched perspective here, began praying (and meaning)  "Lord, Anything!"  that I am experiencing the reality of freedom wrapped up in slavery.  Considering myself a slave to Christ is actually the freest I've ever felt. That does not make any kind of sense!  But here's the  deal:  none of what I have is mine anyway...my house, my kids, my words, my scarves, my time, my money...so why not abandon control (which is really just an illusion anyway),my anxiety, my hovering and that fat ole fence and jump into the field of freedom? 

Easy? 

Nope.

Worth it? 

I'm betting this life on it.