Tension

I am a doer.
I like lists. A lot.
I like checking things off my lists just as much.
I even have been known to write things down on a list that I already accomplished simply for the pleasure of crossing it off my list.

It's a sickness really.

This doing mentality has brought a wee bit of tension into our 'all things Africa' journey. Namely, I'm tense and Brad is awesome.
To be frank, there is no small amount of work that NEEDS TO BE DONE to move- regardless of where you move- moving is work!  The fact that we are planning to move to Africa makes it a bit of extra work.  There are passports and visas, background checks and cultural training, fundraising and... well, fundraising. Do do do!
So a conversation that happened in our family room the other week was something about me "suggesting" (i.e. nagging) about what was on the  (STUPID) list. I could feel my blood pressure rising because Awesome Brad is also Cool as a Cucumber Brad. (Neither of which alliterate much to my disappointment). Anyway, he looks over at me in his Cucumberesque way as says "you need to be trusting more!".

Wind. Sails. Done.

There is this great tension though. What does it look like to be faithful in our doing but full of Faith?How can we be focused in our mission but to not get life out of focus?
A list is EASY.
Faith is tough.
My lists are just that- mine. They are written by me, accomplished by me, and checked off by me so that at the end of the day I can see all that I have done.
This kind of faith is completely empty of me.  I want it to be so.  I desperately want it like that so that at the end of my lifes journey I can look back and see all that HE has done.

Plan well.
Trust more.
May it be so.

IPAD

Some of you have asked about my IPAD that was stolen this fall.
We were notified via our Apple devices connection that someone was attempting to use it in November. (Brad had put a "lock" on it once we realized it was taken) The alert showed us a general area where it might possibly be at but other than going to the neighborhood and knocking on doors (distinct possibility I guess) we had no way of truly narrowing our search.
Soooo...still gone. =( Bummer.  

Measure of success

There are things God allows in our life that is simply for FUN, for pleasure and for our enjoyment. And then there are the things God allows in our life to refine us. 

Kids are both for me.

I might be raising them but we are ALL growing up. 

And homeschooling? Wow. 

Just wow. 

I feel like I have a "I'm new here" sign on my head when I talk with homeschooling moms.  I'm barely scraping by here.  Granted, our decision to homeschool happened 5 weeks before the beginning of the school year. I had other time commitments already in place to happen through-out the year and homeschooling just got added. 

Jaedon, for his part, is rocking it.  He is fairly independent in his studies (frankly when I intervene too much it doesn't go as well as I hoped) and tells others he likes being homeschooled (noted that I am generally within earshot of this conversation so maybe he's just being polite?)

Looking back over the past 6 months we have done some pretty neat stuff... 

we've measured out Noahs ark (almost our entire street's length!),  done biography, plays, field trips, a few crafts (not my strength),  and made national foods.  Sounds pretty good eh?  

But I don't think any of these things mean it's been a success.  

 They all are neat experiences but the times I deem most successful thus far are the ones that come from the non-picture taking moments.   The times it's ugly and tough.  When I'm trying to keep my cool or trying not to be sarcastic (shocking right?)  or when I'm staring in the face of mediocrity and very ok with it thank you very much.  Tough.  Not fun.  But slowly, in my growing up, God is showing me how to instruct this heart.  Our readings may talk about India or Egypt but we are also learning about stewardship and work ethic.  And OH! are we well versed in apologies around here!  My glimpse of success was the other day when I overheard this one apologize to his brother without any promptings from me. The other snapshot I saw was him doing some odd chores just because "it needed to be done".  That may not sound like very much but for him  (and me) it's HUGE.  I am certainly not suggesting that one needs to homeschool in order to teach our children character- but for us it's been a great change agent that is completely timely in this ones life.  We are so thankful.

Tabernacle and Advent

 We diverted from our traditional Advent readings this year and decided to "walk through the Tabernacle" together instead.  We have been studying Moses, Exodus and the Tabernacle in our bible study time this entire fall so we wanted to see what to see how it might translate into a Christmas focus.  We were really awed by what we discovered.

There is only one entrance into the Tabernacle.
John 14:6  "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No man comes to the Father except through me." Jesus is the only way to God.

The purpose of the tabernacle was for God to dwell among his people.
John 1:14- The word became flesh and DWELT among us."
Emmanuel- God with us.  This is Christmas.

The alter of incense not only illustrated Jesus' role as intercessor but we noted one of the wiseman's gifts as well.

The table of bread in the tabernacle- we read that Jesus calls himself the Bread of Life in John 6:35.  We also loved the connection to Jesus being born in Bethlehem (of "House of Bread")

The lamp stand- John 8:12 Jesus calls himself the Light of the World.  We also noted the angles and the star were lights that pointed to Jesus too.

The ark of the covenant held the stone tablets- or God's words.
The manger held the Word of God- Jesus. John 1:14- "the Word became flesh and 'tabernacled' among us."

We also had the opportunity to be in Lancaster, PA over Christmas break and there is a life-sized Tabernacle there to tour through.   

A sweet Advent this year.

Zambia part 2

This is the continuing story of our Zambian adventure.  You may need to refresh your memory of the first part of our story with my previous post.  And yes, "coming soon" is 3 months later. =O

This past spring after Brad contacted Poetice, they connected with him through phone calls, emails and a Starbucks meeting.  They asked us to just pray. Talk it over, and then pray some more.  And boy did we ever.  We asked many of you to pray with us about this decision.  Do we move forward? Is God calling us to this? And if yes, why? And if why then HOW?  So. many. questions.  But as we talked and prayed two interesting things happened. 

First, I asked God to just be VERY clear. I didn't exactly ask for a neon sign or a text message but that would have been ok.  One of the first days I prayed this, I took some kids to a park near us.  Being the talker that I tend to be I started up a conversation with the lady who was pushing her grandson in the swing next to Alenia.  Throughout the course of our conversation we ended up talking about adoption. Her daughter had just adopted 2 boys from Zimbabwe. "You know, that's southern Africa. Have you heard of it?" Well, yes, in fact I have visited Zambia before and my husband and I are praying if we should return.  She thought for a moment and then said "Yes! You should.  You and your family should just go."  Now, I'm not saying God dresses in housecoats and crocheted hats but that dear Grandmas' bold statement certainly gave my heart a start. 

The other interesting thing that began to happen in the conversations Brad and I were having about Zambia is that our sentences started to begin with "when we..." instead of "if we...".  It was such a natural shift that we almost missed it.  Our hearts were melting and the (very long) list of "ifs" and "hows" somehow seemed completely doable ONLY because God would be the one doing it.  

So, we said "yes".  And the rest is becoming HIS-story. 

I am a part of a bringing-tears-to-my-eyes- lovely group of woman from my bible study.  We were meeting through the summer for a study, fellowship and prayer in the midst of this decision making. What a tremendous support and challenge they were to me personally as I voiced my thoughts and concerns with them.  Then, they decided to do a garage sale fundraiser for our family!  

There were over 30 families that donated things for this sale! It totally blew me away.  We were able to raise $2500 which ... yeah. Just no words. Still speechless about that one.  

We have been mailing and labeling and sending our support letters (hopefully, to you!), working at getting these blogs and emails lists updated, Brad started the visa process (which we have likened unto the details of the fostering paperwork! Good grief!) the kids have their freshly made passports and we are in the process of contacting churches to ask if they'd like to join in God's work in Zambia too. *Whew*

This all reminds me of my bible study just this week.  Moses pleads with the Lord, "Do not take your presence from us! We do not want to move on from here without you!"  THAT is exactly what we are praying. Lord, unless your presence, your sovereign control over us is utterly with us we do NOT want to move (to Zambia) or anywhere else for that matter.  This is our plea. So while no housecoat wearing Grandmas bearing neon signs have showed up at my front door lately we are moving forward. One step. One day. One application. One detail at a time with absolute assurance in our Emmanuel. 

Our Zambia story part 1

Sorry if some of this information is old news to you but I have been asked by several to share our not-so-nutshell version of Zambia.
In 2009 our church participated in an instrument recycling drive designed to collect old, unused instruments and donate them to an Academy of Music in Zambia, Africa.  Being a band teacher Brad thought it was a great idea and helped them with what he could.  A friend of ours who went on the trip to deliver  these collected instruments suggested to Brad that he look into going to the Academy to teach there.

Seed planted.

That month was our churches missions weekend. They listed all of the upcoming mission trips and oh look! There was one scheduled to go to Zambia.

Hmmm.

In the same service the children were lead through the sanctuary each carrying a nations flag.  Quick, grab the camera because anytime my child is doing something I'm SURE it's got to be picture worthy! ;-)  Jaedon was carrying the Zambian flag.

Hmm. (and click)

Brad was feeling a tug about investigating this more deeply.  We came up with two "issues" in our conversation.  First being, the trip would have to be over Spring Break or Summer.  He cannot justify taking time off during the school year when there is already a time planned for breaks.  And two, what would we do with our kids if we were to both go?!  They were ages 18 months, 3 and 5 at the time.  I called my mom that afternoon just to chat.  The idea of Zambia came up and she automatically said "oh we would come take care of the kids!"

Hmm.

We also found out that the trip to Zambia was scheduled for early April.
During Spring break.

Hmm.

So after enough "hmm"s we opted to pursue the trip going in April of 2010.
The trip ended up being just Brad and I instead of a team of people and it certainly was a learning experience for us both.  Brad earned the title "Mister Energy" during our few days at the Academy.  There were about 30-50 students that he was able to meet and teach over our days there.  We left saying "we need to bring our kids here sometime."

July 2011 Brad was able to go back to the music Academy with a team of musicians this time.
Further heart tugging.

Brad decided to let Poetice, the ministry partnering with the Academy, know that we might potentially and possibly be willing to think about exploring the eventual option of maybe pursuing a shorter long-termish visit to teach at the Academy. 

How committal of us. 

However, Poetice was not in a place where that was a possibility and the idea got moved to the back burner.  

For two years.

In that time we became licensed foster parents to a beautiful little baby girl named Alenia.

Her adoption was finalized in December 2013. 

A few months later (this past Spring) Brad decided to check in with Poetice again and just let them know that our maybe sort of willingness-ish was becoming more and more resolute if there was ever a need and desire for him to come on board.

He was met with a resounding "YES!" 

Part 2 coming soon...

Where do I start?

I obviously do not rock at the blog maintenance part of life.  Somehow it seems like my family needs food and clean clothes a bit more often than I have time to talk about it. =)  Anyway, I'll try to give the best nutshell version of our boring life around here.

You may have heard something about a small undertaking we are pursuing lately.  That being a year of living and working at the Choma Music Academy in Zambia, Africa and partnering with the ministry named Poetice.

Boring right? =)

With that on the hopeful horizon we also have made the decision to homeschool Jaedon this year.  Oh the poor first born guinea pigs kids!   My thought process went something like this:
"Hmm... homeschooling in Zambia next year. 4 kids. Ok. Never did that before. Never lived in Zambia before. Huh. Maybe I should give this homeschooling thing a try in my own country first?!"

So we talked, and prayed then talked some more. A lot more.
I had a very sweet homeschooling friend of mine who gave me very wise words.
Stop talking and start listening.
Parenting is a gift. Homeschooling is calling.  And one thing we keep coming back to as we explore this whole Zambia thing is we do NOT want to be doing ANYTHING that is not led by God.  Been there. Done that. Will probably do it again but we are (slowly) learning to listen to the Lord in each decision...big and small.
So, I stopped asking everyone their opinions and starting asking God his.
Smart eh?
and I found the answer.
Peace.
That's the only way to describe it.
I should have felt completely frazzled.  Here it was 5 weeks until school starts and I'm making THIS decision now? What curriculum should I use? How does this even work? Is this legal? =)
But no... I felt peace.  Unexplainable unless you know the Prince of Peace right?

As for my social bug Jaedon? (who also is a HUGE one-on-one time, quality time kid) LOVES the IDEA of it.  I know right? It'll sink in soon enough.

So we've launched this week.  Not perfectly but well.  I believe the honeymoon phase lasted approximately 17 minutes but that's ok.   We will both be on a huge learning curve with lots of successes and mistakes along the way.
After all, failing sometimes is the greatest teacher. Lucky me!

 (We are studying the Books of Moses and Egypt was our focus this week.  This is Egyptian "candy"...dates, honey and almond meal or as Jaedon liked to say "gross" until he ate it. ;)

It's a girl!

Yesterday was Adoption Day.
After fostering a sweet little girl for 2 years, we were gifted the privilege of adopting her.  It was an all around very sweet day.

And I didn't cry.
Not once.
It was sweet, and touching and emotional. Words were said and gifts were given and all I did was smile on.

Through-out this time of having Alenia in our home I have ranged from feelings of elation to feelings of resentment. From joy to indifference. I've struggled with HOW and WHY I would or could possibly feel these things for such a truly precious, intelligent no-more-of-a-challenge-than-my-own-kids child.
The idea of giving her back has been very real and present since we got her. In fact, for the first 9 months of our having her I was 99% certain she WOULD be returning home.

And I was ok with that.
Odd.

Then events changed, rights were terminated and people started talking. Everywhere I looked I found places to hope- the adoption worker, the attorney, friends encouraging words. My heart wanted to rest in the idea that maybe just maybe she WOULD become ours!
But hope is a funny thing.  When misplaced it can be a source of extreme disappointment.
One truth I keep coming back to is displaced hope is depleting while hope anchored in the Lord is a continued source of renewed strength. (Is. 41 talks about this better than I)

Yes, I wanted to HOPE that my adoption worker was accurate.
Yes, I wanted to HOPE that the attorney's experience with "cases like this" would lead to a familiar end.
Yes, I wanted to HOPE in the words I hear about "maybe" being said to me.
But at the end of the day when I placed my hope- and my heart- in human hands, my spirit was anxious. My strength depleted.

I kept praying Ps. 130:5. "I wait for the LORD (not paperwork or a phone call), my SOUL waits and in HIS WORD do I HOPE."
So while I struggled with placing my hope rightly I also struggled a bit with engaging my heart.
I admit it.
I was a hold out.
I had felt that displaced hope disappointment before and I was going to do my best to make sure THAT didn't happen again.
Notice a duplicity much? Sheesh!

I was thrilled to see my husband and my 3 boys engage their little hearts with hers.  Brad was a goner the first moment he met Alenia and my boys warmed up to her as they would any sibling. That made me happy.
But I was the hold out.

Until God nudged me one day.  He asked me why I trusted my husbands heart, my boys hearts to His care but not my own.

Ouch.

"Oh. that's not it. I'm just being realistic here, God. "Hope for the best, plan for the worse" philosophy right?! It's just being safe."

No. It's not safe to not trust.
And no measure of self protection will ever guarantee a soft landing. Give me your heart and give it to her.

It was a choice. Not waiting for the feelings to kick in... or for the paperwork to be signed.
A simple choice.

Loving someone does not necessarily mean my heartbeat quickens each time I see them, that I go faint by touching them or that my feelings are even following my actions.
Love is action.
A friend encouraged me to "act lovingly". So I did. So I do. And guess what I discovered?
My heart is following.


So now what? Now that the paperwork IS signed. Now where is my heart?  Why am I not a heap of tissues and tears?!

I don't know.

But I do know that each morning I hear "Mommy. Awake now." proclaimed and I go and help the fashion diva pick out her outfit o' the day.
I know that she can run to "go potty now" by herself because her and I spent hours reading books together about said potty experiences.
I know that she likes to sit at the kitchen island to eat a cheese stick and egg for breakfast and that will inevitably mean egg residue on the chairs.
I know that if I ask to hold her hand in a store she says "Mama, you don't hold my hand. We're not on a road, silly!"
I know that she will NEVER admit to wanting to take a nap but will ALWAYS hide under her blankets when I come to tuck her in.
I know now how to bead hair.
I know that she loves to dance (like only she can!), eat tacos, go out "on a date to get french fries with mine Daddy", she wrestles the boys and can sing "Jesus Loves me", "Joy to da World" and "EiEiO".

I know that I love her.
And I'm trusting God each day with my heart to be renewed with love for her.

Pass the tissues.

It's about time!

Ok to my few and faithful blog checker uppers (Dad,) my humblest apologies! When I get a few moments of downtime I must confess, blog writing does not make the top 10.

Nutshell version of us: nothing has changed.  We still live here in West Michigan, still attend the same church, school etc... And still are fostering a lovely 2.5!!! Year old Little Lady, busy, like you, with camps, soccer, friend play and summer fun.

Little bit bigger version: in January we were anticipating having a lot of changes by now.
1. Brad applied to a job within the same school but a completely different job.  No go.
2.  We were considering being a part of an exciting new campus church that our church is launching later this fall.  God told us to stay put.
3. We were hoping to use our open summer months to be painting, moving  and getting settled into a new house.  We are still waiting to close and are hoping to move mid August instead. Don't even get me started on how much "fun" house showings aren't. :0
4. We were not thinking adoption would be finalized but at least hoping for some progress...which we have.    We have heard that all relatives interested in pursuing adoption of Little Lady have been denied by our agency.  We are assuming this means that we are the only family considered for adoption at this point.  The state right now has all the paperwork at this point and, bless their little hearts, they get to READ it all and place their seal of approval (we hope!) on it.  This, obviously, is a slow process.  Add to that the fact that I was just informed yesterday that we now have a different adoption worker  (social work is NOT for wimps!)  So, there really is no new news to share at this point.  We still get up everyday and hear "Momma, awake now", I'm still trying to figure out good hair product!, we are painting a room in our new house PINK and we still have three getting older too fast boys that are protective of the princess.

I keep coming back to the words Faithfulness and Sovereignty.
It's been neat for me to grow in the conviction and belief I have that God really,truly and for real is the supreme ruler of life's direction.
Proverbs says man ( and woman)  plans his course but God determines his steps.
I have discovered that as I relinquish my desire to control ( which is an illusion anyway!) the peace I have amid unknown or unsettling times is astounding.

And meanwhile, God entrusts me with many things, people, resources and responsiblites  that he expects me to manage well...to be faithful in and through.  Perhaps not involving a new and exciting adventure but to remain faithful and pursue diligence.

So for today we are trusting God is directing the steps he asks us to take...
One day at a time.

And perhaps I'll be a bit more faithful in my blogging updates. ;)

Courtroom Update

Have you ever read a good book only to be disappointed with the ending?

We have had today's date in the back of our minds for 3 months and honestly I'm not sure what we were expecting to have it be like.  However, after juggling carpooling duty, after school kid-watching, childcare for the other 2 and Brads out of work beeline downtown to the courthouse we waited for an hour for the trial to begin.  After all parties had come into the courtroom there was some tearful solemness happening at the desk where Little Lady's mom, dad and their respective lawyers were seated.  The judge made a comment about a "difficult but loving" decision and then asked any in the room who were not family members to leave.

I have since learned that the parents have formally, voluntarily given up their parental rights of Little Lady.

And I have just witnessed Christmas.

God willingly sending his son to be raised by imperfect people in a fallen and broken world.  The joy Joseph and Mary undoubtedly experienced by having this one child in their home came at the great cost of his Dad giving his up.

I am struck as I write this.
Joseph and Mary were foster parents!
Oh the similarities are striking:
The "inconvenience" of God's ask.
The lifelong effects for them as a couple as  they raised this one.
Having to explain to him who his "real" Dad was.
They even had parent visitation times!

This view God is sharing with me just confirms once again how he understands us.  He not only gets what it's like to work with foster families, he was the Dad who signed off his rights and he understands what Little Lady will go through in her life too.  A mix of emotions.

Joyful.
Heartbroken.
Encouraged.
Saddened.
Hopeful.
at Peace.

So what's next?
Little Lady will be placed in an adoptive placement (which will be our home) until all interested persons who want to adopt her have completed paperwork (within a court ordered time frame).  Then all those persons will be reviewed and approved or not.
So we wait.
Again.

I have a sign hanging in her room that best describes this journey:

and so onward we go.  One day at a time.
Thanks for your prayers. I pray that you will experience Christmas afresh this week as well.