I've realized it's been a LONG time since I've done much of anything other than post some pictures. I usually am snooping....I mean reading other people's blogs one handed (hence my lack of comments- sorry! ;)
Honestly, I never know how deep to go when I'm writing a post. Some blogs I read are so good because the people just lay it all out there- I guess mine tend towards more superficial and my therapist thinks that's because...oh wait. I don't have a therapist ;) Well, anyway, I thought I'd venture out and be a bit more vulnerable today.
I'm a talker. I don't WANT to be but I am. And the way I figure things out is to talk. Out loud actually works really well for me (altho confuses my kids considerably ;)
I'm also a Fixer...I know I know- how very masculine of me. But I am. I usually figure out SOMETHING is askew, talk it out and try to figure out how to fix it.
Lately I've felt (oh good emotion! I AM a woman! ;) lots of things have been out of sorts. Mainly I've been very discouraged about my mothering. I don't know how else to put it.... without a whole diatribe about the attitudes and behaviors that range in our house, I've just felt that they have all been my fault because "I am a complete failure as this mothering thing". Okay, now before you both (just joking) write and tell me "oh no you're not a failure yada yada" let me pull out the other masculine trait of mine- I'm quite logical - I know that you can't always trust your feelings...so altho I may FEEL that way, I can combat the lies of the enemy with truth too. However, there is some truth to my "failure" feeling. I don't get it - I was a PERFECT parent...about 5 years ago! I had (still have) SO many ideas and ideals of what parenting was going to be and how my kids would be. Then I had kids.
The fact is I'm not perfect (shocking) and I have not perfect kids and my perfect ideas of how perfect things would be "when I'm a mom" ...well, they're just NOT. And I don't even consider myself a perfectionist!!! =D
I've realized a lot of things that I do that I don't like are deeply ingrained in me. Some of my mothering habits that I HATE are simply impossible for me to overcome in my own strength. Okay okay, I said I'd be vulnerable... so for example one habit I have: I find that I make absolute MOUNTAINS out of the DUMBEST things!!! Authoritativeness comes "naturally" to me and I hate that! I know I've stepped on my kids feelings more times than I care to remember- all because "I am mom and what I say goes" mentality. Why do I do that? God does NOT parent me with an iron rod- but a gentle staff...
"More like you, Lord, may I be..."
So seriously, this is barely scratches the surface of my thoughts that I've had over the past few months about this. But here's my attempt at vulnerability...and at you being my sounding board! =)
I don't know about you but when I reminisce (which I love to do) I think my memories are a bit rose colored. Maybe it's because pictures of that certain occasion usually make it LOOK like it was a perfect event. This first (pleasant!) picture shows picture taking like it truly is... ;) (this was last Thanksgiving) I just thought it was funny. Anyway, our pumpkin carving adventure this year was...well, it was ok. =) I had ideas of Jaedon and Seth getting their little hands all grubby with the goop and having lots of fun picking out the face we wanted. Well, Seth was hungry and CrAnKy- so he sat eating some pumpkin pudding. Jaedon, my neat freak, absolutly refused to have anything to do with the pumpkin guts. I was holding and feeding Owen so basically it was Brad carving the pumpkin while the rest of us watched. Not exactly a huge memory maker ;) But- we still did have fun. Here's some (not so telling) pictures...
Dad doing the carving on behalf of all of us... ;) 
