I've realized it's been a LONG time since I've done much of anything other than post some pictures. I usually am snooping....I mean reading other people's blogs one handed (hence my lack of comments- sorry! ;)
Honestly, I never know how deep to go when I'm writing a post. Some blogs I read are so good because the people just lay it all out there- I guess mine tend towards more superficial and my therapist thinks that's because...oh wait. I don't have a therapist ;) Well, anyway, I thought I'd venture out and be a bit more vulnerable today.
I'm a talker. I don't WANT to be but I am. And the way I figure things out is to talk. Out loud actually works really well for me (altho confuses my kids considerably ;)
I'm also a Fixer...I know I know- how very masculine of me. But I am. I usually figure out SOMETHING is askew, talk it out and try to figure out how to fix it.
Lately I've felt (oh good emotion! I AM a woman! ;) lots of things have been out of sorts. Mainly I've been very discouraged about my mothering. I don't know how else to put it.... without a whole diatribe about the attitudes and behaviors that range in our house, I've just felt that they have all been my fault because "I am a complete failure as this mothering thing". Okay, now before you both (just joking) write and tell me "oh no you're not a failure yada yada" let me pull out the other masculine trait of mine- I'm quite logical - I know that you can't always trust your feelings...so altho I may FEEL that way, I can combat the lies of the enemy with truth too. However, there is some truth to my "failure" feeling. I don't get it - I was a PERFECT parent...about 5 years ago! I had (still have) SO many ideas and ideals of what parenting was going to be and how my kids would be. Then I had kids.
The fact is I'm not perfect (shocking) and I have not perfect kids and my perfect ideas of how perfect things would be "when I'm a mom" ...well, they're just NOT. And I don't even consider myself a perfectionist!!! =D
I've realized a lot of things that I do that I don't like are deeply ingrained in me. Some of my mothering habits that I HATE are simply impossible for me to overcome in my own strength. Okay okay, I said I'd be vulnerable... so for example one habit I have: I find that I make absolute MOUNTAINS out of the DUMBEST things!!! Authoritativeness comes "naturally" to me and I hate that! I know I've stepped on my kids feelings more times than I care to remember- all because "I am mom and what I say goes" mentality. Why do I do that? God does NOT parent me with an iron rod- but a gentle staff...
"More like you, Lord, may I be..."
So seriously, this is barely scratches the surface of my thoughts that I've had over the past few months about this. But here's my attempt at vulnerability...and at you being my sounding board! =)
5 comments:
I totally understand where you're coming from on this one! I'd be in trouble if the Lord parented me the way I sometimes parent my kids! We can be praying about this together :-)
not to make light of the feelings you shared...but when I get to feeling the way you described, it is often because I'm in desperate need of some sleep and a couple hours alone.
thankfully we have the perfect example of parenthood in our Heavenly Father...so we don't need to spend all our energy trying not to be what we don't want to be...instead we can (with His help) work to be more like Him.
i'll be praying for ya to be encouraged...it's a marathon not a dash...some days feel long and not very fruitful.
Hi Amber- thanks for being vulnerable- it's something all of us moms should do more with each other! :) Also not to make light of your feelings (at all- I've been there!), but I feel like I need to encourage you that you ARE a GREAT mom. I'm not just saying that- Truly, when I think of a mom I strive to be more like (especially with regard to spiritual growth in my children, which is arguably THE most important part of our job as a parent!)- YOU are that parent for me. You do an amazing job teaching your boys about God's love and instilling in them spiritual truths. I'm so glad I can write this because I'd be blubbering if I was trying to tell this to your face right now! :) (There's my transparency for the day!) Let me just say again- YOU ARE A GREAT MOM! :)
I am in the boat with you, sister!! Thanks for being vulnerable..it helps me to know when I get these feelings like we all do, that I am a "normal" mommy!! But like you wrote, we can't on our own strength but HIS. Keep asking for wisdom, He promises, we ask..we receive!! I am sure you are an awesome mommy...cuz you are a great gal!!
Whats the name of that song... you only get one shot at this?...
I am here to tell you, Amber, that no mother feels like they have it all together, and if they do, they probably dont! Children are ours for such a short time, and I know exactly how you are feeling for I have felt that way a lot over the years and my baby is 23. Mostly, listen, learn and love!
May God continue to bless your precious family!
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